Who Controls the Space in the House of Marriage?

by Little Miss Attila on February 7, 2011

Dr. Helen agrees with last year’s article that asserted men have less space to call their own these days than they ever did.

I’m not sure I agree–haven’t men often had studies or dens, dating back for years, decades, and centuries? Even now, it’s less common for the woman to have a full office in the house. Very often the man has a den, and the woman still pays the bills on the kitchen table, or from a tiny desk in the kitchen.

I think this “reduction of male space” formulation only works if one assumes that “female space” is “space over which the female in a heterosexual relationship has any influence at all.” Even if that influence means she’s buying wall treatments and paints that are designed or formulated by men, marketed by men, and applied by men. Let’s say the female is in charge of decorating: even now, that may simply mean that she’s buying stuff from a group of men, in an attempt to please another man. For taking on this responsibility, she is maligned by many as controlling. Nice.

Furthermore, the original article conflates the desires of the woman with the needs of children, so we end up with the notion that “family space” isn’t as comfortable for the male as he might like. Yet the assumption is that the female delights in giving up her privacy to accomodate the children of the family–a “family room” is presumed to be female-dominated space, because, um . . . it’s a family room.

Diana Hunter has some thoughts on that uneasy alliance we call “modern marriage,” and how use of space affects it.

I’ve no doubt that there are women who are controlling about household space, but I’m not excited about “taking the rap” for them. Back when we lived in a house I was asked by one of my husband’s friends why I “let” him smoke in the house.

“Let?” I responded. “Let? He pays the mortgage on this place. He can do whatever he wants.”

It comes down to that–marriage is an intrinsically people-pleasing institution: one doesn’t live with someone whom one doesn’t want, on some level, to please. And living with others means that we forfeit some level of control.

But for outsiders to presume that they know the inner dynamic of a couple, and which compromises they’ve made to reach their equilibrium is . . . a bit much. And to suggest that men don’t really like to live in pleasant surroundings is simply sexist.

UPDATE: Retriever weighs in:

I am a very solitary person, but when I want to be alone I don’t want to go to a room, I want to hike for miles or see some new sight. I like to move, not sit. I would like more storage space qnd somewhere of my own to put my camera stuff and cherished possessions and papers. A study and a walk in closet would be great. But hell will freeze over before I get ’em.

I find Dr. Helen’s post irritating. To put it mildly. I live in my husband’s house, and I have no space of my own. I perch in a corner of his, a tenant in his house. I cook and clean and pick up after a family, all of whom but me have a room of their own. I go out to work full time, the only member of the family who does, then return to all the chores. I really wonder about Dr. Helen’s fan boys sometimes. I don’t know Dr. Helen, so can only wonder about her domestic arrangements.

I have the impression that Dr. Helen’s domestic arrangements include a very non-sexist law professor husband who cooks quite a bit, yet still takes on a household chore or two–and a young teenaged daughter who is apparently quite bright and resourceful. But I don’t think Dr. H is reacting to her own situation, here–I think she is immersed in a world of social workers and academicians who do descend, on occasion, into the downright female supremicism she chronicles. That a certain type of man (sexist, fed-up, or downright embittered) finds her blog salubrious is not really her fault.

That is why, back when Cassandra was blogging, I liked to read her and Dr. H in tandem. They disagreed a lot, but they both love men–a sex of which I myself am very fond. Yet because Cass was involved in the military world her life experiences were quite different from Helen’s; the two bloggers tended to view male-female relations through quite a different prism.

As Virginia Woolf once remarked, “the truth can only be had by laying together many varieties of error.”*

* That’s from memory; I believe it’s very close. Odds are, it’s from Room of One’s Own. If not, then it’s from The Pargiters. I have no time to fact-check, so have at it if you like.

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Deoxy February 7, 2011 at 1:48 pm

And to suggest that men don’t really like to live in pleasant surroundings is simply sexist.

Define “pleasant”. For a great many men, “pleasant” is something a great many women find appalling, because men and women (at the general level) enjoy and prioritize different things.

Even if that influence means she’s buying wall treatments and paints that are designed or formulated by men, marketed by men, and applied by men. Let’s say the female is in charge of decorating: even now, that may simply mean that she’s buying stuff from a group of men, in an attempt to please another man.

Who designs, formulated, marketed, or applied it is completely irrelevant – to even find out most of those things would usually take more effort than the product itself took to purchase (how many hours of done to earn that much money). And that she is trying to please a man an extremely large assumption.

Yet the assumption is that the female delights in giving up her privacy to accomodate the children of the family–a “family room” is presumed to be female-dominated space, because, um . . . it’s a family room.

No, because the female makes all the decisions about it, in most cases. If the man wants it painted blue, and she wants it painted green, what color will it be? Not blue (in the vast, overwhelming majority of cases).

Back when we lived in a house I was asked by one of my husband’s friends why I “let” him smoke in the house.

That this question was even asked tells you all you need to know (and obviously don’t understand… which I consider a GOOD THING, by the way!)

You seem to be a great person who doesn’t deserve to “take the rap” for some many other women, but you also seem to assume that other women are like you… and for a great many of them, that’s a serious error.

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Little Miss Attila February 7, 2011 at 2:19 pm

“For a great many men, “pleasant” is something a great many women find appalling, because men and women (at the general level) enjoy and prioritize different things.”

Are we talking about women who subscribe to Victoria, or are we talking about women who subscribe to Dwell? Don’t both sexes like clean lines, and keep the clutter somewhat contained?

“That this question was even asked tells you all you need to know (and obviously don’t understand… which I consider a GOOD THING, by the way!)”

Thank you. But I think it tells me that my husband’s friend is a little PW’d. At one point he expressed shock that I would “let” my husband buy an entertainment center. I had to explain that I was the one that wanted the entertainment center, to contain the clutter in the family room where we kept the TV. And my husband would have been more on-board if it weren’t for the cost (we solved that problem by shopping together, and finding the cheapest one we could that would keep the DVDs out of sight and look okay).

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eots February 7, 2011 at 7:47 pm

I’m here via Instapundit, via Dr. Helen.
I also thought that the original article’s assumption that family spaces are feminine spaces is a bit presumptuous. In my family, we parents just want to reclaim our grown up space.
Also comparing an upper class Victorian residence to contemporary middle class house is a bit unfair. We live in an middle/upper middle class neighborhood in San Francisco Bay Area, and there is certainly no spare rooms here, not even spare garages.

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JustSomeDude February 7, 2011 at 10:12 pm

“Thank you. But I think it tells me that my husband’s friend is a little PW’d.”

Or that he has children and would like to continue seeing them more frequently than every other weekend, enough to actually be a father to them instead of an acquaintance.

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Little Miss Attila February 8, 2011 at 7:45 am

They have a daughter now. But both the “let him smoke” remark and the “let him get an entertainment center” remark occurred years prior to them having their daughter.

I honestly think that the guy in question likes to allow his wife the upper hand in some of these matters, for reasons I don’t quite get.

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ErikZ February 8, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I honestly think that the guy in question likes to allow his wife the upper hand in some of these matters, for reasons I don’t quite get.

Because if you’re a guy, that’s what you have to do if you want a woman in your life.

(PS, your spell checker is broken)

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Roxeanne de Luca February 8, 2011 at 10:13 pm

This kind of thinking just seems to be depressing. Not that I would expect married life to be bliss, and I understand that most people cannot afford his-and-hers extra rooms to decorate and furnish as he and she each wish, but this business of pacing off square footage to determine marital satisfaction seems misguided. Not only do couples have their own internal dynamics, but they also have different priorities. One person may want space of his or her own, and the other may want time. Or the right to smoke in the house without being hassled. Or the money to spend on guitars, cars, or clothes. If you split everything – time, space, money, each chore – straight down the middle, you may end up with each person being less happy than he or she would be otherwise, because one partner may happily trade doing dishes for more spending money, or a spare room for a motorcycle (even if the give-and-take is not so explicit). The real question is whether or not each party feels as if he or she is happy in the relationship and is getting a fair shake, so to speak.

As for the decorating and space issue: a lot of my friends are men, and a lot of those men are unmarried. Many of them hate decorating, think that a pizza cutter is a gourmet kitchen utensil, and see no need for furniture that is not a single-person armchair and a TV. Not that they are Neanderthals, but nesting just isn’t their thing – however much they may appreciate the results. Likewise, there are probably many women out there who have no desire for table saws, monkey wrenches, or oil pans, but appreciate inexpensive bookcases for the kids, built at home, or a man who can fish her earring out of the drain in the bathroom. Why any of that is a cause for resentment escapes me.

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DanT February 9, 2011 at 9:14 am

“I also thought that the original article’s assumption that family spaces are feminine spaces is a bit presumptuous.” If that were the case, advertisements for home furnishings for family spaces would target both men and women. As they currently target women exclusively (at least in my area), if your conviction were true, you would stand to make a lot of money by exploiting that gap. If your money is not following what you say you believe as truth, I question the depth of your belief.

(Disclaimer: I have a den that is “my space” (kids welcome), and my wife has her office and work area (kids not welcome), which is 3 times the size of my den. My den is sufficient, though.)

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eots February 11, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Dan,
Being the designated decorator doesn’t entail ownership of the space. I think my family is fairly typical home improvement-wise: my husband does all the heavy duty stuff, and I’m responsible for the details.
We have our moments of solitude together.

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Pjay February 9, 2011 at 4:39 pm

“I honestly think that the guy in question likes to allow his wife the upper hand in some of these matters, for reasons I don’t quite get.”

He probably would like to have the possibility of some sex and affection in the future, not have his blood pressure ruined by ceaseless nagging, and would like to remain financially solvent and be a father to his kids to whatever extent he can when his wife eventually files for divorce (which she will in 70% of divorces).

Marriage = Slavery for a man

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Cassandra February 15, 2011 at 12:29 pm

…back when Cassandra was blogging, I liked to read her and Dr. H in tandem. They disagreed a lot, but they both love men–a sex of which I myself am very fond. Yet because Cass was involved in the military world her life experiences were quite different from Helen’s; the two bloggers tended to view male-female relations through quite a different prism.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for getting this right, Attila.

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