we could encourage young ladies to get into fewer “at risk” situations in the first goddamned place.
I mean, I’m sure there’s a place for this. A lot of it, however, seems not just sexist–as Reynolds points out–but a pathetic attempt to supplant common sense with technology.
Joy’s Advice for College Women
– Don’t drink too much around guys you don’t know.
– Don’t set your drink down anywhere, ever, unless you trust the crowd you’re with. That means, take your soft drink or beer with you into the restroom, if you have any doubts. Better to feel silly than to be sorry.
– Have a friend with you if you want to go to a gathering wherein people are partying really hard.
– Always have cab money on hand.
– Never get into a car with a guy–or guys–you don’t know.
– Don’t hook up with anyone when you’re out of it. Make a time and day to see that person later in the week. If the chemistry survives the light of day, you’re golden.
– Experiment with more-traditional datelike modalities: dinner, a movie. It’s okay if you’re the one who asks.
– Have some one-on-one time with the guy before you get into anything with him that smacks of intimacy.
– Don’t let dealing with guys turn into a job.
– Bad sex–or sex when you’re both drunk–is not the same as rape. Don’t court misunderstandings. Don’t exploit them.
– It’s okay to notice which guys seem to have a personal code of conduct, and those are the ones you want to see more of. You have no obligation to hang out with anyone whose ethics are ragged around the edges.
– Remember to study.
There. Was that so complicated?
UPDATE: Welcome, Insta-Readers! And don’t forget to check out The Conservatory, if you haven’t already. We have classified ads, a discussion board full of gun owners, and a “Directory of Dreadful Capitalists,” so there are lots of opportunities to network and socialize as you get your news for the day.
; ?>/images/user.png)
; ?>/images/email.png)
; ?>/images/feed.png)
{ 1 trackback }
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Professor Reynolds mentioned that we should also try to protect young men from false accusations of rape, and I think your list would work rather beautifully for that as well. Going to wild parties with no buddy to pull you back if you’re starting to go upstairs with a drunk girl, getting so wasted you don’t really remember WHAT the two of you did last night, having sex with girls you don’t know and with no interest in GETTING to know them… all of that is a recipe for getting accused of rape, every bit as much as it is a recipe for a girl to get raped.
The rapists and the liars, of course, screw it up for everybody, which is why we need to (metaphorically) nail them to the wall when there’s proof of the crime. But til then, young women AND young men all need to be taking your advice and keeping themselves smart about sex and parties and booze.
You know what’s really funny (in a twisted sort of way) about your comment?
It used to be how men were advised to comport themselves.
I grew up reading 18th C literature, and despite all the bleating about sexist double standards, young men really were urged to consider their reputations and their choice of friends. You know, the whole “you’ll be judged by the company you keep” shtick?
I don’t like the fact that there are unprincipled people in the world… of either sex. And wouldn’t it be nice if we could do whatever we wanted to do and never experience any negative consequences?
Yeah – I rolled my eyes at that one too. I don’t get people who seem to think they’re entitled to escape the entirely predictable consequences of their own refusal to acknowledge that risky behavior is… well… risky.
Doesn’t really matter whether you’re male or female – exercising a bit of common sense along with a healthy sense of self preservation would go a long way toward preventing these kinds of situations. Whatever happened to a guy being smart enough to wonder what kind of woman hooks up with guys she doesn’t even know? And whatever happened to a gal being smart enough to wonder what kind of man hooks up with women he knows nothing about?
Common sense: it’s what’s for dinner :p
The Navy, like all the services, has extensive manditory training on preventing sexual assault. A key factor is these sorts of common sense ideas that may not be too common for many young folks, and making sure that female shipmates helped out their buds by reminding them of these when they might not be in a mind to remember themselves. When I was giving this training I also emphasized the same sort of guides to help male sailors avoid being in a situation they don’t want (i.e. accused of sexual assault). Bottom line is that even absent true predatory behavior, when you mix young people with hormones and alchohol you get a situation in which misunderstanding and miscommunication is just waiting to happen and it’s a tragedy for both victim and accused.
When I was giving this training I also emphasized the same sort of guides to help male sailors avoid being in a situation they don’t want (i.e. accused of sexual assault). Bottom line is that even absent true predatory behavior, when you mix young people with hormones and alchohol you get a situation in which misunderstanding and miscommunication is just waiting to happen and it’s a tragedy for both victim and accused.
Amen to that 🙂
But, but, but….your solution didn’t require government funding as well as input from both the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy and the Department of Health and Human Services. Is it really OK to act (and think) w/out bureaucratic advice and approval?
Kind of reeks of hetero-normality, doesn’t it?
No way it’s going to fly in Washington.
Libby, Libby, Libby – the goal is for you to reliably put out for men from liberal categories, and not get used by the Wrong Men in any way. So of course you are encouraged to think that you are thinking for yourself, so long as you don’t actually do any of it.
I gave my SON a lot of that advice when he went to college.
So did I, to my two sons. There’s a lot to be said for not putting yourself in situations that make you vulnerable in the first place. And for having the kind of reputation that people respect.
Cass’s Advice for Young College Men
– Don’t drink too much around PEOPLE you don’t know. That goes for women as well as men: lack of character is an equal opportunity offender. Your brain is the most potent weapon you possess in life. Deliberately disabling yourself while in the company of people you don’t know (and can’t trust) is just plain stupid.
– If you insist on attending gatherings with people who are partying really hard, try acknowledging your voluntary assumption of the risk instead of whining about how unfair life is.
Life’s hard enough as it is – it’s harder when you’re stupid. Use the buddy system. It’s a LOT less likely that you’ll be accused of misconduct (or harassed) if you bring a witness.
– Don’t let peer pressure or pride prevent you from leaving if there’s something going on that you don’t want to be involved with. Stand up for yourself.
– Never get into a car with PEOPLE you don’t know – male or female. Men are raped and beaten up too. And do you really want to be arrested for something you weren’t even doing just because you chose your companions poorly?
– Here’s a thought – be discriminating in your choice of sexual partners. Nothing is a bigger turnoff than a man or woman who are so desperate that they’ll settle for anything (including people who are batsh** crazy). And if you do insist on hooking up with crazy people or people you know nothing about, FOR GOD’S SAKE QUIT WHINING ABOUT IT. You made a choice – no one forced you to be a moron.
– Experiment with more-traditional datelike modalities: dinner, a movie. It might even be fun.
– Have some one-on-one time with the woman before you get into anything that smacks of intimacy. How else will you weed out the nutjobs?
– Don’t let dealing with women turn into a job. Or a system. Or a game.
– Exercise some situational awareness. Don’t put yourself in positions where misunderstandings are both likely and entirely predictable.
– It’s okay to notice which women seem to have a personal code of conduct. These are the ones you want to see more of. You have no obligation to sleep with with anyone whose ethics are ragged around the edges — and if you do, I really don’t want to hear you blame everyone but yourself for the predictable consequences of your own poor judgment.
– Remember to study.
There. Was that so complicated?
Ha! Nice.
God help society if today’s young women actually need to be told these things…
I don’t know. Apparently the higher ups and civilian overlords think
sailors have to be told not to assault women and drug their drinks.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150207776267823&set=a.249644752822.138119.74281347822&type=1
Joy’s got things really backwards. Start with
– Remember to study.
– Go to ‘Find other activities that don’t involve binge drinking and taking drugs
Then maybe hit this list when you are partying
I didn’t know you dabbled in archaeology.
Common sense still works. And it’s what Mom (or maybe Grandmom) would tell them.
Too bad the feminists aren’t interested in preventing the train wreck, just pointing them to Planned Parenthood after it happens.
I think you mean “radical feminists.” FIFY.
<3 the list! Very common-sensical. 🙂
As I sometimes snark in regards to young men, no one deserves to be falsely accused of rape, but you're a lot less likely to get falsely accused of rape (and your chances of getting convicted of rape are a lot smaller) when you don't have sex with women you barely know.
If you want common sense, here is the hardest (and therefore most unpopular) common sense of all:
Do not set foot in any establishment whose primary purpose is to service and sell alcohol.
Do not have sex with any person with whom you are not in a committed, life-long sexual relationship.
Common sense means identifying and avoiding unnecessary risk. Clubs and hook-ups are both chock full of unidentified and unnecessary risks.
Nonsense. There’s no problem with college kids going to bars (or nice little wine and liquor stores, for that matter, which is a lot cheaper than any darned bar), restaurants that serve alcohol, or theaters (yup, both stage and movie theaters often serve alcohol these days, and often that’s their profit center more than popcorn). The difficulty is in drinking like an idiot or going out in public in an idiotic way.
Of course, when I went to college, my parents and grandparents had already taught me that drinking was something you only did a little of, with good meals or as a nice occasional accompaniment to normal life. I knew what decent alcohol tasted like, it wasn’t something new and exciting and dangerous to play with but something as normal as bricks. And I had no reason to think I’d be a more impressive person while drunk out of my skull or drinking cheap swill. And as a result, I had a lot more fun without any worries. I realize it’s a lot harder for parents to do now, with all the crazy laws… but don’t let your kids think that slamming down nasty swill is the proper way to drink. You wouldn’t treat their food nutrition that way.
And yes, a little bit of paranoia about guarding your drink saves a whole lot of grief. Even if you just avoid pranksters with a liking for Ex-Lax jokes.
Next, I guess, will be anguished articles about people who put their life savings in a single bank account and then hand out the PIN code on street corners. Where did anyone get the idea that physical intimacy with strangers was likely to work out well? Even if you kid yourself into thinking that pregnancy can be reliably prevented 100% of the time (that caution is directed at men as well as women), there are other risks to consider: disease, rape (or rape charges), and even emotional consequences for people who are unable to disassociate their personalities entirely from their sexual practices.
This kind of thing makes me want to read Jane Austen novels, where people try to understand something about the characters of their acquaintances before they progress to so much as a first-name basis.