2008 in Review

by Little Miss Attila on January 1, 2009

. . . by Dave Barry:

SEPTEMBER . . .

. . . The federal government is finally forced to take over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac after they are caught selling crack at a middle school. But that is not enough, as major financial institutions, having lost hundreds of billions of dollars thanks to years of engaging in practices ranging from questionable to moronic, begin failing, which gives the federal government an idea: Why not give these institutions more hundreds of billions of dollars, generously provided by taxpayers?

This plan is discussed and debated in urgent meetings in Washington attended by the president, the Cabinet, congressional leaders, Sen. Obama, Sen. McCain and all other concerned parties except the actual taxpayers, who are not invited because they are, with all due respect, way too stupid to understand high finance. The taxpayers are repeatedly assured, however, that unless they fork over $700 billion, the economy will go right down the toilet. And so it comes to pass that in . . .

OCTOBER . . .

Congress passes, and Technically Still President Bush signs, the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008, and everyone heaves a sigh of relief as the economy stabilizes for approximately 2.7 seconds, after which it resumes going down the toilet. As world financial markets collapse like fraternity pledges at a keg party and banks fail around the world, the International Monetary Fund implements an emergency program under which anybody who opens a checking account anywhere on earth gets a free developing nation. But it is not enough; the financial system is in utter chaos. At one point, a teenage girl in Worcester, Mass., attempts to withdraw $25 from an ATM and winds up acquiring Wells Fargo.

As the crisis worsens, an angry Congress, determined to get some answers, holds hearings and determines that whoever is responsible for this mess, it is definitely not Congress. Meanwhile, all the cable-TV financial experts agree that, since they totally failed to predict this disaster, they will stop pretending they have a clue what the markets are going to do and henceforth confine themselves to topics they can discuss knowledgeably, such as what time it is.

Just kidding! They’d get that wrong, too.

Via The Anchoress.

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Glenn Cassel AMH1(AW) USN RET January 2, 2009 at 4:27 am

I had a good year. In spite of being fired in February from a 52K job. And doing the temp thing until September. It may end soon as it is in a Business Aircraft Manufacturing Plant. Contingency Plan is in effect. I have a chance at a Defense Contractor in the California Desert. Liberals are cordially invited to pound sand on that one.
I welcomed a new granddaughter in January and my youngest daughter remarried and brought three more into the family. The total is eight of them from 11 months to 12 years.
I rolled 54 and I am still upright and breathing. It may have been tough at times but we are making it.
In reference to the news items of 2008, I figure some of the high profile(see me on the news) politicians may end up doing hard time. Dodd, Reid and company. I can hope can’t I?

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Little Miss Attila January 2, 2009 at 4:48 am

It is lovely to have little ones running about.

And one would think they COULD pound sand–there is so very much of it in the CA deserts. Nice to know some of those jobs we lost in the 1980s could be coming back–especially since we are driving firearms-oriented publications right out of the Golden State.

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