is something like, “don’t bug us; we’re tired.”
Greetings Earthlings!
It has come to our attention that we haven’t really been at the top of your Christmas list for some time now. Like some spouse that has become too used to having her good life paid for by a husband’s work and sweat, you’ve decided you “need your space.”And we are here to give it to you. Politely if possible, but with both barrels if necessary. So pay attention….
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
1) All foreign aid is going to become internal aid, except for the occasional export of Ramsey Clark and Jimmy Carter to give you the wise guidance you so desperately need. Use them both as you will and don’t feel the need to return them when you are done.
2) All charitable giving is going to be directed at deserving institutions and individuals inside the United States.
3) All profits made by US companies will be only be allowed to be reinvested in facilities within the United States. (We’ll define what US companies are and any executives of such companies attempting to avoid this edict will be turned over various shadowy groups in Mosul, Iraq for their dining and dancing pleasure.)
4) We’re going to be reducing our current balance of trade to zero by fiat. Why? Because we can. After that, we’ll be running trade on the “one dollar in, one dollar out” basis, so if you want to come out of our sabbatical with favored nation status, you’d best have your Visa card out and ready for the American griddle.
5) For those of you with a lot of your people already living here in the United States and sending money back, well, there’s going to be a little interruption in remittances for a year or so as those Americans “in the shadows” come out and spend or be bussed back to Nogales, but you can just raise taxes on your own people to take up the slack. Enjoy.
6) Our military men will all be returning home to spend more time with their families. (Time for all you Iraqis, Koreans, Germans, Japanese, etc. to man up and get those guns locked and loaded.)
7) As Americans, we never want to do anything to interfere with our own super-rich and their freedom, so there will be a bit of slack around the edges.
Foreign tourism, for example, will not be eliminated but will be socked with a 225% surcharge for any spending done outside the United States. It will be a great time to, as they used to say, “See the USA in your Chevrolet.” (Oh yes, foreign automobiles will have, for the duration, a 300% tariff on their purchase price.)
8) Oil? We’ll be drilling the entire states of Alaska, California, Texas, and Oklahoma for two years along with the Pacific and the Caribbean. After which we’ll clean them up better than before because its what we do and we do it best. (Eco-nuts protesting this will be given honorary Swedish citizenship and deported via the alimentary canals of polar bears.)
But if we need extra oil and we ask, you’d better think twice before you say no. We’ll always have enough in the strategic petroleum reserve for B-52’s and our carrier groups. If we have to send them out, they will be, we promise you, in a very bad mood. Very bad.
But, hey, it’s a free world. Make our day.
9) You got that part about the Navy (surface fleet at least) coming home, right? This means we’ll no longer be guaranteeing the safety of the sea lanes throughout the world, so if any of your tankers get lost or you see a big fleet of ships coming across the straits towards, say, Taiwan, well, call up North Korea and see if you can get a witness.
10) We’re sort of tuckered out here and not a little bit cranky because of it, so please don’t do anything that interrupts our picnics and naps. Should any of you take it in your little pin-heads to bug us, please understand that we reserve the right to, well, “over-react” and give you a live demo of how to turn sand into glass in your own backyard.
. . . . . . . .
We hope this message is taken in the spirit of love and friendship in which it was written. After all, we’re founded on the proposition that all men are created equal.
Go get equal. We’ll be back.
Hugs,
The United States of AmericaP.S. Since all of our Armed Forces, conventional and nuclear, will be either ready for instant deployment, or on station as ballistic missile submarines around the world (No, we’re not going to tell you where.), don’t get any funny ideas. Play nice.
P.P.S. We almost forgot. For the purposes of this note, Israel will become the 51st State for two years. Be cool.
Read the whole thing. It’s a little like what Attila the Hub is getting at when he puts his fingers to his lips and says, “visualize world quiet.” This sometimes is, and sometimes is not, accompanied by the faint whistle of a warhead falling through the air.
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
This is only a nit, but the bases in Germany and Japan are really just forward staging areas for contingencies elsewhere.
The trade deficit thing is reflective of the kind of thinking that kicked off the Great Depression.
Seeing the current trade deficit as bad for the US is an artifact of seeing value only in money. China has sent us many billions of dollars worth of consumer goods. In exchange, they have gotten many billions of dollars. We are enjoying the value of the consumer goods they have sent us. The dollars sit in Chinese bank vaults, enjoyed by nobody. Until the Chinese spend those dollars to buy stuff from outside of China, they’re getting the short end of the stick. Until those dollars buy goods from the US, whoever holds them has given stuff away and gotten nothing in return.
The chief negative impact on the US economy is the same as the effect of US charity shipments of grain and whatnot to developing nations: The influx of free stuff depresses the market price of native goods, often forcing native produces out of business. But I think that we can afford that problem much more than the Chinese can afford to give us stuff and get nothing but IOUs in return.
The only concern–and with the kleptocrats in Washington, a most profoundly real concern–is that the Chinese will use those dollars to buy U.S. legislators and officials.
Don’t take us out of Japan!
That’s one of the most awesome stations anywhere!
Can we at least stay in Sasebo and Okie?
When American works, its relationship to the rest of the world is roughly:
(1) If you’ve got cool stuff, Americans would like to buy it.
(2) If you’ve got money, Americans would like to sell you cool stuff.
(3) If you kill Americans or tolerate those who do, we will kill you.
(4) If you “need killing” or tolerate those who do, we might accomodate you.
I am reminded of the basic plotline of the Western:
“There’s a feller who needs killin’.”