From Interesting News Items:
Danish Police Use Green Nightsticks in COP15 Clashes
COPENHAGEN, DENMARK – As demonstrations continued at COP15, Danish police used green law enforcement tools including organic nightsticks and spray irritants made from natural fluids. Said police spokesperson Nidhug Filtenborg, “There has been violence, yes. People have been struck, yes. But our [Danish police] tools are the tools of a clean planet.” Filtenborg pointed out that Danish riot police wield sustainable nightsticks, shorter than a standard nightstick, and made from a type of hardened flax. “After hitting demonstrators 20 to 30 times, the nightsticks are recycled into linen cloth or for linseed oil extract.” In addition, Filtenborg stated crowd irritants such as pepper spray are really a potent form of oolong tea. “This tea, yes? It’s oolong, but it has been left inside a public restroom for several weeks. It is quite annoying and makes the eyes different.” In what Filtenborg describes as a law enforcement break-through, Danish tear gas is a condensed steam extracted from the clothing of obese people returning from the tropics. “Good day and good luck getting a whiff of that,” said Filtenborg. “But it’s all natural and that makes everything proper and correct.”
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All this was foretold by the Prophet Jello Biafra and the Dead Kennedys:
“California Uber Alles”
I am Governor Jerry Brown
My aura smiles
And never frowns
Soon I will be president…
Carter Power will soon go away
I will be Fuhrer one day
I will command all of you
Your kids will meditate in school
Your kids will meditate in school!
[Chorus:]
California Uber Alles
California Uber Alles
Uber Alles California
Uber Alles California
Zen fascists will control you
100% natural
You will jog for the master race
And always wear the happy face
Close your eyes, can’t happen here
Big Bro’ on white horse is near
The hippies won’t come back you say
Mellow out or you will pay
Mellow out or you will pay!
[Chorus]
Now it is 1984
Knock-knock at your front door
It’s the suede/denim secret police
They have come for your uncool niece
Come quietly to the camp
You’d look nice as a drawstring lamp
Don’t you worry, it’s only a shower
For your clothes here’s a pretty flower.
DIE on organic poison gas
Serpent’s egg’s already hatched
You will croak, you little clown
When you mess with President Brown
When you mess with President Brown
[Chorus]