Words fail. Except his:
Anyhow I had a two hour layover, so I stopped into the Magic Carpet Club for a complementary pretzels and hashish. Afterwards I had the munchies so I went to the Cinnabon. Geez, 5 euros for a freakin’ cinnamon roll? Talk about air piracy! When the flight to Detroit started boarding, the concierge told me to keep quiet and he would take care of the check-in. The US State Department agent asked to see my passport, and the concierge explained that I was a Somali refugee. So she looks at her computer screen and says, “um, I’m afraid there’s a problem, this passenger’s name is on a watch list.” Oh, great. Looks like my dad is playing Mr. Buzzkill again, just because I took that semester off from Oxford to go backpacking in Yemen. So I showed her my official State Department visa.
So I’m like, “honey, do I look like I’m a US military veteran?”
“No.”
“Do I look like I’m some sort of right wing anti-tax teabagger?”
“No.”
“Do I look like anybody else on the DHS terrorism danger list?”
“No, but…”
“Then I suggest that unless you want a nasty anti-discrimination lawsuit on your hands, you’d best give me an aisle seat. With extended legroom.”
That shut her up. I boarded the plane with the concierge and plopped down in my seat. It looked like this martyrdom would start going a little more smoothly, but, just my luck, I’m assigned in the same row as these two smelly hippies listening to Dave Matthews on their iPods. I thought about asking for a seat change but the whole damn plane was full of stupid Dutch and American stoners, with their stupid screaming hippie babies. The thought of an 8 hour flight with these hemp shirt douchebags made me wish I was on still on that connecting flight from Lagos with all the livestock and poultry.
After we took off (after a 45 minute delay on the tarmac) I look up and the in-flight movie is — get this — another horrible Sandra Bullock flick. I mean, WTF is it with these infidels? As if flying isn’t bad enough with the delays and cramped seats, do they really need to ratchet up the hellscape with Sandra Bullock and CNN Headline News? At that point I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one on this flight planning suicide.
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Dave is a national treasure. Nick Cage is going to be all over him next movie.
Oh, okay. Um, what . . . what will they be wearing?