He compares it to “the Code of the West,” with devastating effect; the “Code of the Left” is in italics.
• Never steal another man’s horse. A horse thief pays with his life.
• Always look to steal another man’s money with a “tax.” Always ask your fellow citizen to reach for his wallet. All tax thieves are rewarded with a fat government pension and fatter health plan.
• Defend yourself whenever necessary.
• Do not defend yourself or the country under any circumstances. Killers are just grown-up kids who were abused. Terrorists are just people who haven’t had their issues listened to with compassion. Make sure nobody else can defend themselves. Use only diplomacy to defend your country. Armies are raised only to place sandbags around towns about to be flooded for the fifth time. When that happens use government money to enable the fools who built them to rebuild them.
Did you want more?
• After you pass someone on the trail, don’t look back at him. It implies you don’t trust him.
• After you pass anti-Christian laws, don’t look back. God will turn you into a pillar of salt and there is no salt tax…. Yet.
• Riding another man’s horse without his permission is nearly as bad as making love to his wife. Never ever bother another man’s horse.
• Riding another man’s wife or significant other is not only okay, but a qualification for high office. Gay or straight, you are allowed to have anyone you want without consequences to the family since soon there won’t be any. Medicines for STDs will be free and will soon consume 92% of federal research funds (7% goes to embryonic stem cell research), dedicated to finding a sex vaccine so you can get back to the level of random sex with random strangers you enjoyed in the early 1970s.
• Always fill your whiskey glass to the brim.
• Always buy and carry the really big bottle of Fuji mineral water everywhere so people can know that while you object to Big Oil making windfall profits on $3.00 a gallon gasoline, you have no problem with windfall profits on $10 a gallon bottled water.
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