Not about the vodka I sometimes put in the juice.
Nor the drugs that I mix with the vodka I put in the juice.
The juice itself: mango when I’m flush, OJ when I’m broke.
I hear things like: “couldn’t you just eat a piece of fruit and drink some water? That way, you’d get the fluids, but also more fiber and healthy carbs.”
“Yes,” I once replied. “However, studies have shown that people drink more of a fluid they truly like the taste of, so when I’m dehydrated it seems wiser to drink juice, rather than just sipping from my water bottle.”
“You’re dehydrated?” she responds. “You’ve got to get to the doctor: that’s supposed to be a warning sign for diabetes. Or maybe you have that opposite thing: you know, the thing you seem to have.”
“Hypoglycemia? That presents as dehydration? Are you sure?”
“Maybe you should be having bigger breakfasts. If you’d only stop eating those sweet blueberry muffins, and stick to oatmeal . . .”
“Oatmeal would keep me from getting thirsty? Okay; I’ll ask about chronic dehydration next time I’m at the doctor’s office. But I think it might be related to living in a part of the world where autumns send the humidity down to zero, along with a lifelong habit of breathing through one’s mouth, due to having next to no use whatsoever of one’s nasal passages.”
“Well, maybe,” she’ll concede.
This is usually followed up by a suggestion about 30 minutes later that I get a juicer and whole oranges, because “at least then the juice would be fresh-squeezed.” She is trying, you see, to mitigate the evil effects of juice-drinking, or at least get me to taper off. I fully expect her to look into orange juice-patches and orange juice-gum.
I’m worried that the next family gathering will turn into an orange-juice intervention, and I may be packed off sometime this winter to orange-juice rehab, where I will be encouraged to join a 12-step program for compulsive orange-juice consumers.
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What?! I’m not the ONLY one that gets dogged on for drinking juice?