Ask Dr. Attila: Chest Pains and a Broken Heart.

August 14, 2009

Dear Dr. Atilla:

I’m having chest pains from having my heart broken years ago by an old flame and may need a pacemaker. Would you install one, or would you prescribe a pain pill? Or should I just end my life for the betterment of society?

—A Heartbroken Michigander

Dear Michigander:

First of all, since you’re from the Upper Midwest I’d like to hear you talk for a few minutes, preferably using lots of vowels. It soothes me, and makes me happy. When I’m happy, people live. Mostly. Well, sometimes.

After reviewing your file, our staff has concluded that you have some productive years left, so you aren’t just one of those “useless bread-gobblers” that plague Obama’s America. On the other hand, pacemakers are expensive. For the good of the nation, we’d recommend that you get a presciption for Vicodin, but these will of course do nothing whatsoever to help you with your heart problem–so they should be sent promptly to me, and I’ll take care of them.

In the meantime, the state suggests that you avoid stairs, and try not to breathe too deeply—or too shallowly, for that matter. Nice, moderate breathing. Don’t walk anywhere. Stop lifting weights, and don’t have sex; shun your wife. Keep doing your research, and maybe find a way to make ethanol more cost-efficient. Or, work out a good distribution system for methanol. Or, score some methadone. Send that to me, too.

As for your ex, we aren’t sure what should be done: she is a liberal Democrat, isn’t she? If so, to err is human, and to forgive is a possibility. If she’s an independent, libertarian, Blue Dog Dem or Republican, please forward her information to my staff, and I’ll send out a hospice-care counselor right away to provide compassionate support and a double tap of dignity. If you run into her and you can guilt-trip her out of some cash, please do so. Send it to me.

Good luck! Frankly, you’re going to need it.

—Dr. Attila

Category Posted in Healthcare, Obama Administration