Had they known, tragedy would have been averted!
Apologetic Mumbai Killers: “We Didn’t Get the Memo About Obama”
MUMBAI – Ajmal Amir Kasab, the sole surviving member of the ten-man team of Pakistani gunmen that left hundreds dead or wounded after a bloody three-day rampage in Mumbai, today blamed the mayhem on an “email mixup” that left him and his colleagues unaware that Barack Obama had won election as President of the United States.
“What? Oh bloody hell, now you tell me,” said Kasab, as he was led away in handcuffs by Indian security forces.
Kasab, 21, apologized to Indian President Pratibha Patil, explaining that no one in his group had known about the recent U.S. election results.
“Boy, talk about having egg on the face,” said a visibly embarrassed Kasab. “If we knew Bush was on his way out, obviously we would have called off the crazy random baby-shootings and martyrdom stuff, and signed on with the Peace Corps or Habitat for Humanity. At this point I guess all I can say is ‘my bad.'”
“Seriously, I can’t even begin to tell you how shitty the whole situation makes me feel,” he added dejectedly. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m as thrilled as everybody else to find out Barack won the election, but this moment is always going to be bittersweet knowing that all those shootings were tragically unnecessary. Not to mention the six weeks I wasted in training camp.”
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“Jeez, I’m… I don’t know, I just never got any kind of memo,” said Kasab. “The ironic thing is that just the other day, when we were ritually shaving our testicles for final martyrdom, a bunch of us were talking about how great and symbolic it would be if the American infidels would only elect an handsome, articulate young African-American infidel. That way we could just lay down the suicide belts and scimitars and suitcase nukes and finally get involved in the positive aspects of community activism, like raising awareness for breast cancer research. Look, I know it’s a cliche to point fingers at the IT department, but our email system really sucks. And it’s hard to find a decent wi-fi hot spot in Northwest Pakistan.”
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“Ultimately, I know the ‘buck stops here,’ but I just want to remind everybody in the infidel world that the only gripe that we’ve really ever had with you is about George Bush,” said Qasim. “There’s just something instantly irritating about that guy, you know what I mean? It’s that smirk, the way he says ‘nuke-u-ler’ and all that ‘evildoers’ crap. There’s only so much you can take of him before you start flying planes into skyscrapers or bombing subways, or shooting Hindus, or beheading Thai school teachers, and what-have-you.”
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