I will be answering all your medical questions from here on out. Let’s start with this one, which I made up and then sent to me, so it would be all official:
Dear Dr. Attila:
I understand that you have a primary practice that is not run by the government. How do you go about harvesting people’s tonsils and feet, and what do you do with the tonsils and feet once you have lopped them off?
If you have extras, may I have a few? I’d like to serve them up with fava beans and a nice chianti.
—Peckish in Virginia
Please stop spreading disinformation! We do not chop off people’s tonsils and feet. Or, rather, we don’t chop off only tonsils and feet. We chop off lots of other stuff, too.
And I’m sorry: those extra organs we private-practice physicians lop off of people’s bodies are not randomly selected. They are carefully picked out for mineral content, as the organs are in high demand for the compost heaps of rich doctors’ organic gardens. The victims… uh, involuntary organ doners… are selected by secret lottery.
If Obamacare saves you from our organ-harvesting scheme, our gardens will suffer. Think of the vegetables! And those nice, expansive compost-hungry lawns in front of our houses. We can’t just live on Astroturf, like the wing nuts.
UPDATE: A citizen in need of re-education remarks:
Not mean to be nit picking but isn’t this a contradiction: “those extra organs … are not randomly selected”, “The … organ doners… are selected by secret lottery.” Won’t the compost be better if the doners are carefully screened for the quality of their organs than “selected by secret lottery” which is a form of random selection?
Dr. Roxana Mayer and I have discussed this, and we feel that the program works better if it is organ-driven: do we need extremities, or do we need internal organs? Once that decision has been make, a pool—or exchange—of potential donors is drawn up based on overall health, organ quality, and political affiliation. Those who, um, make the cut are then eligible for selection to give up their body parts to the physicians’ composting exchange, which is run by Dr. Michelle Obama.