Ask Dr. Attila

by Little Miss Attila on August 13, 2009

I’ve decided that I am now a primary-care physician. Apparently, all you have to do is believe.

I will be answering all your medical questions from here on out. Let’s start with this one, which I made up and then sent to me, so it would be all official:

Dear Dr. Attila:

I understand that you have a primary practice that is not run by the government. How do you go about harvesting people’s tonsils and feet, and what do you do with the tonsils and feet once you have lopped them off?

If you have extras, may I have a few? I’d like to serve them up with fava beans and a nice chianti.

—Peckish in Virginia

Dear Peckish:

Please stop spreading disinformation! We do not chop off people’s tonsils and feet. Or, rather, we don’t chop off only tonsils and feet. We chop off lots of other stuff, too.

And I’m sorry: those extra organs we private-practice physicians lop off of people’s bodies are not randomly selected. They are carefully picked out for mineral content, as the organs are in high demand for the compost heaps of rich doctors’ organic gardens. The victims… uh, involuntary organ doners… are selected by secret lottery.

If Obamacare saves you from our organ-harvesting scheme, our gardens will suffer. Think of the vegetables! And those nice, expansive compost-hungry lawns in front of our houses. We can’t just live on Astroturf, like the wing nuts.

—Dr. Attila

UPDATE: A citizen in need of re-education remarks:

Not mean to be nit picking but isn’t this a contradiction: “those extra organs … are not randomly selected”, “The … organ doners… are selected by secret lottery.” Won’t the compost be better if the doners are carefully screened for the quality of their organs than “selected by secret lottery” which is a form of random selection?

Dr. Roxana Mayer and I have discussed this, and we feel that the program works better if it is organ-driven: do we need extremities, or do we need internal organs? Once that decision has been make, a pool—or exchange—of potential donors is drawn up based on overall health, organ quality, and political affiliation. Those who, um, make the cut are then eligible for selection to give up their body parts to the physicians’ composting exchange, which is run by Dr. Michelle Obama.

{ 1 trackback }

ObamaCare Townhall Sockpuppets [Darleen Click]
August 14, 2009 at 6:02 pm

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

vanderleun August 13, 2009 at 11:59 am

Dear Dr. Atilla,

I grant you that you can chop with the best of them. Indeed you are missing a prime branding opportunity by not emphasizing the ancient chopping skills of your illustrious namesake, a hun who could chop with the best of them.

But when it comes to composting, may I suggest that you spare the kidneys. The kidneys, known to the french as rognons, can be especially tasty when served with a bechamel sauce. Especially if you follow the procedures for expunging them of that faint whiff.

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Robert Stacy McCain August 13, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Obi'sSister August 13, 2009 at 4:09 pm

Can I have the little toes? They so enhance my stinkweed bouquet garni!

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Bleepless August 13, 2009 at 4:58 pm

What? You never heard of bronzing?

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John Burgess August 13, 2009 at 7:54 pm

Bechamel sauce? Just who is the Hun here?

Rognons are served with a mustard sauce, or if you’re being hoity-toity, mushrooms.

Kidneys would stomp all over the pewling bechamel!

Question for Dr. Attila: Are you in collaboration with mohels? They have their own business in removing ‘excess’ bits.

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theblogprof August 13, 2009 at 8:23 pm

Dear Dr. Atilla, I’m having chest pains from having my heart broken years ago by an old flame and may need a pacemaker. Would you install one, or would you prescribe a pain pill? Or should I just end my life for the betterment of society?

-a heartbroken Michigander

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Rignerd August 13, 2009 at 8:24 pm

I thought all harvested organs and such were sold to other rich people to make an even fatter profit.

Are you saying now that they are harvested for the sheer joy of taking things away from poor people?

So which is it are you greedy or evil and greedy?

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ic August 13, 2009 at 8:45 pm

Not mean to be nit picking but isn’t this a contradiction: “those extra organs … are not randomly selected”, “The … organ doners… are selected by secret lottery.” Won’t the compost be better if the doners are carefully screened for the quality of their organs than “selected by secret lottery” which is a form of random selection?

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DrBobbs August 13, 2009 at 9:10 pm

Dr. Attila,
Let’s not forget the $50,000 a surgeon gets for amputating a limb. Assuming a fairly light workload, say, five such procedures a day five days a week with two weeks of vacation a year, then such a surgeon could earn over $62,000,000 a year.

It’s not like they get only a few hundred dollars for such a procedure (and several months of follow up care) or anything.

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Attila (Pillage Idiot) August 14, 2009 at 12:23 am

Oh, great! Now when my doctor tells me to drop my trousers, I’m going to have to make a beeline out of his office.

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Georg Felis August 14, 2009 at 6:28 am

Thank you Dr. Attila. I have decided that I have always wanted to be the Pope of Lower Unicornia, so from here on I shall take that title. And as such, I hereby declare you Saint Dr. Attila, and have placed your feast day as Nov 9, 2010.

May you reap a wide harvest on that day.

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JorgXMcKie August 14, 2009 at 7:34 am

“Oh, great! Now when my doctor tells me to drop my trousers, I’m going to have to make a beeline out of his office.”

Isn’t that going to be difficult with your pants around your ankles?

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Trouble August 14, 2009 at 7:42 am

“I feel happyyy!”
“I feel happyyy!”
“I…” ***THWUMP***

“Ah! Thank you very much.”
“Not at all… here’s your ninepence. See you Thursday.”

Not to nitpick, but it’s “donors”, not “doners” – or is this a takeoff on “prentive care”?

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John August 14, 2009 at 9:12 am

Dr. Atilla,
You and your bretheren and sisteren must have quite a repository of center-left republican testicles. Sautee’ them with a little butter and oregeno. Delicious.

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